Here Is Next Year's News

At the end of one year, I’d become so frustrated by the invasion of “elf’n’safety” and daft bureaucracy that I presented my own version of the diary for the year to come. Most of it came true – ish!

One of my more unusual gifts from Santa was a brand new crystal ball, so I can proudly present the news in advance for the New Year!

* JANUARY – The council announces the appointment of nine new employees at £75,000 a year each to set up a new department to find out who works at the council and where they all are.

* FEBRUARY – An angry hospital patient complains that “stupid officials” are trying to restrict his liberty during his stay. The gentleman explained “They’ve got some stupid rule about not juggling chainsaws or using flame-throwers on the ward. The smoking ban was bad enough, but this is going too far.” he coughed.

* MARCH – The council announces that nobody can find the nine new workers appointed in January, but they are still being paid. A new department of eighteen people, each earning £95,000 a year, is set up to find the original nine.

* APRIL – The police receive over a hundred calls when a taxi is spotted unusually parked at the bottom of Park Road opposite the shopping centre. It was not parked on the zig-zags and did not have its headlights on.

A police spokesman explained: “I was proceeding down Park Road in an easterly direction when I saw the car which had generated all the calls. The man sitting in the taxi had stolen it and we caught him red-handed. As many callers noticed, he gave himself away because any real taxi-driver would have been on the zig-zags with headlights blazing.”

* MAY – Sadly, the eighteen new council workers appointed in March are also lost, but still being paid. A new expert team of consultants from London is brought in to investigate. A council spokesman said: “This will be three million pounds well spent.”

* JUNE – At Crown Court, a man is convicted of 23 flame-thrower murders. His barrister explains: “He is very cross with himself and society is to blame – but especially the hospital which refused to let him use his flame-thrower to light his cigarette during surgery.”

He is released without punishment as the prisons are full, mainly of people caught by speed cameras or unable to pay their council tax.

* AUGUST – The council appoints a new team of consultants to advise the consultants appointed in May on how to find the missing twenty seven employees, along with the 131 who appear to have joined them.

A council spokesman said “I think we’re getting on top of this.”

* SEPTEMBER – An application is made to use the unused Jackson’s Landing building as the terminal for the new proposed Hartlepool Airport.

There is an outcry at the plan to use the dual carriageway on the Marina as a main runway, but a government spokesman explains: “I have never been north of Watford, but I understand that Hartlepool, like other suburbs of Birmingham, needs this airport and the photos look fine to me.”

* OCTOBER – The council blocks the Airport plan as Jackson’s Landing is needed for new office space for a team of consultants just appointed to find out why council tax levels are so high. A council spokesman explained “Search me – I’ve no idea what’s going on.” He is sacked for talking sense.

* NOVEMBER – A local Magistrates’ Court makes national news by refusing to issue any fines, because their books are full.

* DECEMBER – A hospital patient injures himself while juggling his chainsaw and flame-thrower. He successfully sues the hospital for not stopping him from being a prat.

The year ends with a Hartlepool resident being banned for life from B & Q. He explained:

“As I was walking in, this bloke asked if I wanted decking, so I got my punch in first.”